I’ve been talking with by better half over the last few weeks about a revolutionary concept in the workplace. It has the potential to increase your effectiveness in the workplace by something between 0 and 100%. It’s the essence of learning to think like a man, that half of the species which has dominated the workplace since the term workplace was invented. So this blog post is probably going to be more useful to those who identify as women, but you never know. I would also like to point out for the benefit of anyone who is exceptionally stupid that this is supposed to be humorous – I don’t really advocate treating women as objects, starting physical fights with managers or the hero-worship of whoever has the biggest one. What is true is that Humans and Monkeys share 96% of their genetic material…
To keep things simple, I will outline the 10 simplest rules of the Manbrain.
Rule 1: Keep things simple.
Manbrains are not sophisticated (for sophisticated see Womanbrain). The best way to imagine how they work is shown below, input, process, output. Action generally equals reaction, except when it doesn’t. The Manbrain is rather like a computer in this respect, invalid inputs (anything with an overly emotional, complex or unwelcome content) will be ignored. Inputs delivered in squeaky voices (womanspeak) are also likely to be ignored.
Rule 2: Shouting.
The Manbrain has been tuned by thousands of years of evolution to perform the function of listening. However this is heavily spectrum dependent and is geared towards the lower frequencies of human vocal communication. If you speak squeaky (high pitch, high tone) you will be ignored by the Manbrain.
The best way to communicate with the Manbrain aurally is to do so in deep, booming tones with a slow and regular cadence. You might find it helpful to imagine yourself as a large gorilla when doing this.
Rule 3: Bigger is better.
Manbrain evolution is also heavily focused on being bigger than everyone else in the one area that counts. The key driver is having the biggest one. Whatever that might be, and however it is defined. Manbrain pays attention to the person with the biggest one (the leader). Anyone who doesn’t have the biggest one is small, and therefore irrelevant. Manbrain seeks to make sure that its own one is as big as possible. Manbrain respects others based exclusively on the size of their ones.
Manbrain spends a lot of time thinking about how big it is. Other considerations, such as talent, intelligence, authority and capability are often (but not always) ignored. The one with the biggest is the boss, the boss man, the king, the leader, the head of the tribe, the smartest Manbrain in the social unit, or whatever other great title you want to bestow upon them – I personally like the title chief monkey, and also monkey chief. If you’re going to say it out loud, especially in the presence of the chief monkey, it had better be nice! Otherwise, they will be angry with you (see Emotion). If your tribe subscribes to corporate culture, the one who thinks they have the biggest one might be called a senior manager. Don’t forget that in corporate culture, those who stick around seldom ask questions, such as “Is the senior manager is actually the best Manbrain for the job?”, or “I’m not convinced by your Manbraining. How big is it really?”. This is because the answer is normally that they probably aren’t and don’t. Of course, if you don’t have a big one, you can substitute with a combination of nice toys, a shiny car and an expensive looking woman.
Rule 4: I am the best
Manbrain is very good at ignoring. That’s why Manbrain controls the world. In Manbrain there is no such question as “Am I good enough for this?” or “Will they consider my input as relevant?” or even “Perhaps there are better people for this activity than me?”. Manbrain is always the best.
Rule 5: Ignorance is no barrier to success
I have succeeded despite not knowing things in the past. Therefore knowledge is semi-irrelevant. Facts, could be known ahead of time, or we could just discover them as we go along! We will figure it out. I can do this, because I have Manbrain, and it’s very big, and you are going to help me, because I say so loudly.
Rule 6: I want that, because you have it.
It’s worth remembering that Manbrain is very similar to Monkeybrain. Monkeybrain is marginally less sophisticated (not as good at video games, vocal communication or delayed gratification), but otherwise a great analogue. Sometimes a Manbrain sees something that somebody else has (it could be a shiny new toy, or food, or an expensive looking female) and Manbrain wants to take it away from the someone else, either to enjoy or just to throw away to show the other person who has the biggest one.
Rule 7: Emotion
Emotion is simple in the Manbrain. It’s either Angry, or it isn’t. When Manbrain is angry there’s always someone to blame. Usually it’s another Manbrain who is guilty of the crime of “stupid”. Sometimes this might be the Manbrain with the biggest one. In corporate tribes, the reason for angry emotion is usually a phenomenon called ‘management’, which requires the performance of pointless tasks in order to gain a monthly bag of nuts and berries which can be traded for toys, food or other essential services. Sometimes there’s an emotion called sadness, which is basically the opposite of angry, but sometimes has the same physical manifestations. Sad is highly complex and way out of the scope of this article. If you have a Manbrain and think it might be suffering from sad, try pretending to be angry until it goes away, or you could pick a fight (see Rules 8 and 9).
If you are feeling an emotion that isn’t angry (or sad) then you are over thinking.
Rule 8: How to fight (if you have a big one)
Instant fighting is best done in the open, in a meeting, by shouting and banging the table with your fist. This is how to communicate with the Manbrain that emotion has happened. When emotion happens rapidly, it can overwhelm the Manbrain and starting a fight is the only way to regain control. Just like when an excess of heat and fuel combine to create a fire, which incidentally is a reliable way to tidy up your Mancave or to cook food.
Rule 9: How to fight (if you don’t)
If you think that the person you want to fight has a bigger one than you, or more friends in the tribe, you shouldn’t engage in direct confrontation. Instead you will need to build your own secret tribe, and then when the time is right you should strike. Alternatively, just find someone higher up the tree and offer them a bribe in order to do your fighting for you. The bribe might be loyalty (because everyone else in the tribe is stupid), nuts and berries (this is very crude, even for Manbrain), or occasionally useful information which the Manbrain might be able to use to win other fights, or to exchange for more nuts and berries elsewhere.
Rule 10: Not taking anything too seriously.
In order to keep your Manbrain in good condition, it’s important not to get too stressed. Stress has a negative effect on your ability to Manbrain, and thereby solve problems and command others with your Manbrain skills. If you follow the rules, simplicity, shouting, respecting and searching for bigness, total self-confidence and mastery of emotion (anger, everything else is stupid), then you will be a highly successful Manbrain. You might even be the leader of a tribe one day (regardless of your suitability or even the size of your one)! You’ll certainly do better than anyone who doesn’t have a Manbrain.
In summary, it’s a jungle out there! If you didn’t have the good fortune to be born with a Manbrain (or even if you did), reading this article and using your imagination might help you to succeed in your tribe. Having been part of many tribes over the years, I have known many good chief monkeys (and some good monkey chiefs!) as well as some totally useless ones too. Understanding how Manbrain works has definitely been a common characteristic of the best chief monkey’s (both male and female) I’ve had the pleasure of banging rocks together with. Good luck Manbraining.